a note to you,
the lost prince in the safest dessert:

you are about to strip down
a whole mess;
an succubus in disguise,
also called as the ugly dork,
also called as the detached soul,
and so she called herself,

the
nymphet.




ia bisa menjelaskan betapa susahnya mengencani target dari lingkarannya,
memaksakan dirinya untuk mengenal lebih jauh
satu jiwa yang diawali dengan menatap langsung mata ke mata, utuh.

tidak mungkin terjadi;
tidak pernah sebelumnya, dan tidak bisa untuk sekarang.
tidak pula menutup masa depan.

hanya dunia maya yang bisa membetulkan;

dari dulu hingga sekarang. sampai saat ini.

stranger meets stranger
hobinya, keahliannya, kecanduannya.

masa sekolah menggunakan level untuk sampah, random chat dan dikirim seorang sahabat setia menemani dari paman sam untuk 2,5 tahun. sahabat dia anggap, jatuh cinta? mungkin tapi dia dari mula tidak mengenal apa itu cinta jika perasaan bahagia meluap-luap namun di saat bersamaan tidak begitu yakin untuk mengatakan 'ya, aku jatuh cinta'. tapi yang dia tahu, dia bahagia dengan jiwa ini.
kemudian 𝖕𝖆𝖕𝖎 lari meninggalkannya. dia kehilangan seorang sahabat, sahabat dekat. cinta? mungkin.
tidak tahu dalam konteks apa dan sebagai apa.

uh, intermezzo yang panjang.

masa akil balik, lebih menantang rasa percaya dirinya dengan dating apps. yang dia punya? selera humor yang berbeda. dibumbu dengan skill mirror selfie yang egois.
match-nya? memuaskan.

swiping right and left 
swiping right and left
swiping right and left
swiping right and left swiping right and left
swiping right and left
swiping right and left swiping right and left swiping right and left

oh and hey,
here is an interesting one!

the prince; the 'mirror' of myself, my type, myself, therefore, 
i fell.
thru his text persona.
thru his personality.
thru his brain, how he views things just scaringly close to how do i.
thru his
level
of 
lust.
for
sin,
myself.
mirror.
i
fell.

kemudian dia mengetik,

"hey, let's meet up."


dan jahat. jahat. jahat. jahat. jahat. jahat. jahat. jahat. jahat. jahat.

i hate my face.
everyone would agree on this one. sure, they will say pretty things, honest opinion about me or try to support me, but. this one is something that i believe will be hard to cure. this disease. the sickness i get every time i take a selfie, looking at it back and delete it soon. the urge to be rude to myself, in front of the mirror. blaming myself for being not pretty enough for instagram beauty standard. for being not aesthetic enough to edit, filter, or even just to take a good angle of a picture.

im using an iphone, God damn.
yet my pictures are awfully trash. unacceptable to be posted. vsco-skill so bad i unconsciously brush them with different tones of yellow. 'you are not aesthetic and that is a big, major, problem for you'

trying so damn hard to have a beautiful, color-coordinated page. but i fail. miserably.
trying to be funny and comes as not so funny, barely there. but not funny.
a try-hard. a phoney. so cringe, but still, want to be an original.

i use the 'im different than anyone else' card lots of time.
only in what i see, for my perspectives to be praised on. mostly by guys.
most of the times, the adams look at me, surprisingly, just bcs im vocal enough on my sexual preferences. i do not lure them purposely. i speak what comes to my mind, even it is controversial and lewd. and sometimes, i think to myself.

'do you do it just so you have value? so you are not a boring person? to be called quirky and unique?'